1) Cleaning out the lint trap in the dryer. Nothing says "scratch satisfaction" quite like scraping my nail against the fine grate and hauling off a big hunk of fuzz.
2) Watching The Same Movie Over And Over. True, my young son will probably not give me much choice in the matter, but if it's anything I've seen before and tolerated, I bet I'll be okay. I've seen "Hoosiers" probably 542 times in my life. This kid doesn't know what he's up against.
3) Sighing. I'm a pro. A champ. I learned from the best -- my own father -- and some day my son will inherit my abilities as well. The "Groan Sigh." The "I'm Outta Here" Sigh. The two-part "I'm Tired and I'm Tired of THIS" combo sigh.
4) Wearing The Same Clothes "Uniform." It's not that I've been wearing the same clothing every day, day in day out, without cleaning it (that would be crazy. ...Wouldn't it?). What I mean is that I have a standard uniform of button-down, short-sleeve shirt over some sort of relaxed pants wear (jeans or shorts or something). My son will have much to rely on when he knows my Dad Uniform is on the scene.
5) Pushing Horrible Jokes. And I mean PUSHING. Like I won't stop telling the same crappy pun-laced horror no matter how many people walk away claiming they're "Just gonna go check something." And no pun is beneath me. I'll reach as far as I can for as little return as there is (that being zero). It doesn't matter. I can't help it. I'm a father now.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Realizations!
As the induction date comes upon us, I've been realizing many things:
1.) The chances of me going to the delivery room in sandals are probably 2-to-1.
2.) Same goes with me wearing a Macaroni & Cheese T-Shirt.
3.) I will probably think about where to park while we're there for 5 hours before we go and zero hours during actual delivery with a 30 minute stretch just before we leave.
4.) Since we're bringing a laptop with which to watch DVD's, I will probably put in more time on the DVD selection than I will in who to call on our way to the hospital.
5.) My kid will either love or hate the blow-shit-around guys who come every week (sometimes twice a week). I don't know which to root for. If he loves them, then he won't cry... but he'll love something that drives me nuts. If he hates them, then we have something in common, but he probably won't nap through their visits.
1.) The chances of me going to the delivery room in sandals are probably 2-to-1.
2.) Same goes with me wearing a Macaroni & Cheese T-Shirt.
3.) I will probably think about where to park while we're there for 5 hours before we go and zero hours during actual delivery with a 30 minute stretch just before we leave.
4.) Since we're bringing a laptop with which to watch DVD's, I will probably put in more time on the DVD selection than I will in who to call on our way to the hospital.
5.) My kid will either love or hate the blow-shit-around guys who come every week (sometimes twice a week). I don't know which to root for. If he loves them, then he won't cry... but he'll love something that drives me nuts. If he hates them, then we have something in common, but he probably won't nap through their visits.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
5 Movie Characters/Actors You Never Want to Play Your Dad
Nothing against them personally, but if you were a character in a movie and you had these guys playing your father, chances are that your father either doesn't understand you to the point of burying himself in his career or he blames you for the death of one of your siblings.
1. Robert Patrick. The T-1000 has that creepy stare down, and he's never lost it. Nor will he ever lose it. He played "Unforgiving Mr. Cash" in "Walk the Line" because it required the least amount of imagination from the audience ever. "Oh, that dad held a grudge, huh? I'd buy that."
2. Jeremy Piven. Seems like the biggest douche bag walking today, and that's including Guy Ritchie (A-Rod, I'll never forgive you for making me sympathize with this guy. Now I gotta give "Sherlock Holmes" a chance!). Plus he's always leading with his chin, in a kind of "Hit me. Go on, hit me. Y'know you wanna" type of way. If your movie dad does this and you actually take him up on the challenge, you will surely get smacked around.
3. Robin Williams. This dad can't seem to take things seriously. Plus, when your movie mom finally wises up and decides to divorce him, he won't see that as an end either. He'll see that as a chance to win his kids back with accents and wigs. Granted, he's Robin Williams, so he's probably already tried this a million times (Reagan voice, gay hairstylist voice, et al), but this would be the worst timing. On top of all this, he seems to make a career out of movies where he plays a dumb dad. Coincidence?
You'll also never get a word in edgewise. Ever. EV-ER.
4. Any Dad in a Hitchcock Movie. Lord, watch over the children of Hitchcock movies. He even put the characters his own daughter played through the ringer. If you're a Hitchcock Movie Dad, then you're one of the following: a) dead. b) murdered and dead. c) neutered/impotent and obsessed with murder (according to my college film teacher). or d) about to be dead by murder. None of these are good qualities in a father. Evidence: "Shadow of a Doubt." Joseph Cotton rolls into town and could woo this guy's woman--even though it's his own sister!--while the dad wusses around and chatters like a ninny to his buddy named Herb. It's sad and embarrassing. (around 6:50).
5. A Stormtrooper. You could do worse than Anakin Skywalker. At least he cares about stuff, and comes home most days. He takes care of business. Even though he kiiiiiiiinda tries to kill his own son, at least he was also thinking about the future and his kid's career. But if a Stormtrooper ever had a kid, that kid would change his name. Watch this video (around 5:00) for the worst of the bunch. That could've been your dad! The guy who couldn't shoot the largest character in the galaxy with a golden torso strapped to his back.
1. Robert Patrick. The T-1000 has that creepy stare down, and he's never lost it. Nor will he ever lose it. He played "Unforgiving Mr. Cash" in "Walk the Line" because it required the least amount of imagination from the audience ever. "Oh, that dad held a grudge, huh? I'd buy that."
2. Jeremy Piven. Seems like the biggest douche bag walking today, and that's including Guy Ritchie (A-Rod, I'll never forgive you for making me sympathize with this guy. Now I gotta give "Sherlock Holmes" a chance!). Plus he's always leading with his chin, in a kind of "Hit me. Go on, hit me. Y'know you wanna" type of way. If your movie dad does this and you actually take him up on the challenge, you will surely get smacked around.
3. Robin Williams. This dad can't seem to take things seriously. Plus, when your movie mom finally wises up and decides to divorce him, he won't see that as an end either. He'll see that as a chance to win his kids back with accents and wigs. Granted, he's Robin Williams, so he's probably already tried this a million times (Reagan voice, gay hairstylist voice, et al), but this would be the worst timing. On top of all this, he seems to make a career out of movies where he plays a dumb dad. Coincidence?
You'll also never get a word in edgewise. Ever. EV-ER.
4. Any Dad in a Hitchcock Movie. Lord, watch over the children of Hitchcock movies. He even put the characters his own daughter played through the ringer. If you're a Hitchcock Movie Dad, then you're one of the following: a) dead. b) murdered and dead. c) neutered/impotent and obsessed with murder (according to my college film teacher). or d) about to be dead by murder. None of these are good qualities in a father. Evidence: "Shadow of a Doubt." Joseph Cotton rolls into town and could woo this guy's woman--even though it's his own sister!--while the dad wusses around and chatters like a ninny to his buddy named Herb. It's sad and embarrassing. (around 6:50).
5. A Stormtrooper. You could do worse than Anakin Skywalker. At least he cares about stuff, and comes home most days. He takes care of business. Even though he kiiiiiiiinda tries to kill his own son, at least he was also thinking about the future and his kid's career. But if a Stormtrooper ever had a kid, that kid would change his name. Watch this video (around 5:00) for the worst of the bunch. That could've been your dad! The guy who couldn't shoot the largest character in the galaxy with a golden torso strapped to his back.
Monday, August 10, 2009
Over-Due
As of midnight Friday, we went past our due date. I thought nothing was wrong with this, but I'm very wrong.
Everything is wrong.
Because now we have to endure the never-ending torture that is friends and family asking us where the baby is.
It's not like Christmas, which happens predictably on the same date of the same month every year. The baby's birth date is more like Easter: you never really know when it's coming until it's here.
Logically, nobody should expect a baby to show up precisely on his due date. But these are family, friends and well-wishers we're talking about. Logic has nothing to do with it.
They all (and by "they all" I mean "the people reading this blog") try to cover their intentions by using humor during their inquisition, but we're not idiots. We know what they really mean. Here's some examples and translations:
1. Walking up to us in the parking lot and saying, "Well...?" This one makes us feel great. It also reminds us of how little control we have over the universe and makes us feel small and powerless. Translation: "I know when your baby is due and you should pay more attention to schedules."
2. "Still No Baby Yet?" Translation: "I'm bored and driving cross country and I don't have a way to ask about this pregnancy thing that doesn't include the lateness of the delivery." Our sarcastic answer to this one is, "Yeah, we had him. But we're keeping him a secret from the world and not talking about him. You know... just like any first-time parent would."
3. "You know, my friends who were due on Thursday had their kid THAT DAY!" Translation: "I have time-sensitive friends. You should be in charge of your body more?"
Everything is wrong.
Because now we have to endure the never-ending torture that is friends and family asking us where the baby is.
It's not like Christmas, which happens predictably on the same date of the same month every year. The baby's birth date is more like Easter: you never really know when it's coming until it's here.
Logically, nobody should expect a baby to show up precisely on his due date. But these are family, friends and well-wishers we're talking about. Logic has nothing to do with it.
They all (and by "they all" I mean "the people reading this blog") try to cover their intentions by using humor during their inquisition, but we're not idiots. We know what they really mean. Here's some examples and translations:
1. Walking up to us in the parking lot and saying, "Well...?" This one makes us feel great. It also reminds us of how little control we have over the universe and makes us feel small and powerless. Translation: "I know when your baby is due and you should pay more attention to schedules."
2. "Still No Baby Yet?" Translation: "I'm bored and driving cross country and I don't have a way to ask about this pregnancy thing that doesn't include the lateness of the delivery." Our sarcastic answer to this one is, "Yeah, we had him. But we're keeping him a secret from the world and not talking about him. You know... just like any first-time parent would."
3. "You know, my friends who were due on Thursday had their kid THAT DAY!" Translation: "I have time-sensitive friends. You should be in charge of your body more?"
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Note to Self
Jokes become less enjoyable when your wife is due in 2 days.
I wouldn't get in trouble if Facebook statuses weren't so easy to update.
People only read what they wanna read.
I don't often practice good judgement.
Period.
I wouldn't get in trouble if Facebook statuses weren't so easy to update.
People only read what they wanna read.
I don't often practice good judgement.
Period.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Baby Names: The Biggest Spoiler Ever
In the post-Twitter world, protecting a secret has become very difficult. Particularly when that secret is something your closest relatives all want to know right now.
The name of our child has been kept secret since we found out we were pregnant, and with good reason. I once batted around a possible name with a friend who promptly responded with horror, "You can't name your kid THAT!" Revealing the name after the kid is born acts as insurance. After he's born, we'll hand our son to our friends and introduce him. This way, no one -- no matter how jaded -- will hear the name and look down at the tiny bundle in their hands and say, "You have a stupid name."
There were many factors to consider when choosing a baby name. Fortunately, there are about a million baby-name books all claiming to be the best baby-name books ever to help make matters even more confusing (actually not "a million," but Amazon.com does list 21,553 hits under the search "baby names." So... I'm sure they're all wonderful).
Things we considered were:
Alliteration: Our last name starts with "M." If we choose "Marcus," for example, is his name going to be too cutesy?
Joke Names: These are popular among younger parents. Specifically teenagers. I remember two juniors from my high school naming their newborn child "River Bed Smith." Jeez. Not to get too judgy, but foresight was obviously not their strength to begin with.
Family: Do you have it in you to be so sure your name is great that you want to pass it along to your child, too? And then you're setting up a real trend. The pressure is on your kid to grow up and have ANOTHER child with that name. Without even knowing it, you've started a tradition that could be potentially annoying.
Baby Names For Adults: I always remember that Toby from "The West Wing" named one of his children Huck. Which is cute... for a baby. For a 35-year-old balding dude working in an office, it's probably a reason to use his middle name. The realization that we're not only naming a baby but naming an adult was one of the greatest and most shocking revelations of this process. That and the whole delivering the placenta part, but we'll cross that road when we get to it.
The name of our child has been kept secret since we found out we were pregnant, and with good reason. I once batted around a possible name with a friend who promptly responded with horror, "You can't name your kid THAT!" Revealing the name after the kid is born acts as insurance. After he's born, we'll hand our son to our friends and introduce him. This way, no one -- no matter how jaded -- will hear the name and look down at the tiny bundle in their hands and say, "You have a stupid name."
There were many factors to consider when choosing a baby name. Fortunately, there are about a million baby-name books all claiming to be the best baby-name books ever to help make matters even more confusing (actually not "a million," but Amazon.com does list 21,553 hits under the search "baby names." So... I'm sure they're all wonderful).
Things we considered were:
Alliteration: Our last name starts with "M." If we choose "Marcus," for example, is his name going to be too cutesy?
Joke Names: These are popular among younger parents. Specifically teenagers. I remember two juniors from my high school naming their newborn child "River Bed Smith." Jeez. Not to get too judgy, but foresight was obviously not their strength to begin with.
Family: Do you have it in you to be so sure your name is great that you want to pass it along to your child, too? And then you're setting up a real trend. The pressure is on your kid to grow up and have ANOTHER child with that name. Without even knowing it, you've started a tradition that could be potentially annoying.
Baby Names For Adults: I always remember that Toby from "The West Wing" named one of his children Huck. Which is cute... for a baby. For a 35-year-old balding dude working in an office, it's probably a reason to use his middle name. The realization that we're not only naming a baby but naming an adult was one of the greatest and most shocking revelations of this process. That and the whole delivering the placenta part, but we'll cross that road when we get to it.
Monday, August 3, 2009
Proud Parents
Someday, I'll be able to look at my son's achievements and say, "They're just as impressive as those guys who made huge pants."
I kind of with they'd roll the cuffs.
I kind of with they'd roll the cuffs.
GI Joe
Our due date is coming up. August 7.
It's the same day that "GI Joe: Rise of Cobra" opens in theaters worldwide.
My life has become a strange cycle of symbolism and memories made sort of new and stomped around.
I watched "GI Joe" the cartoon when I was a kid and now I'm having a child--100% confirming my adulthood--on the same day that the live-action movie version of my childhood cartoon comes out.
Will my child get into GI Joe because of these new movies? Or will he watch the old cartoons? Or new-old cartoons?
Will he appreciate things like this:
Will he seek out the truth to appreciate "Body Massage?" And by truth I mean the original ham-fisted moralizing cartoon?
And I almost forgot to mention that MY "original" childhood cartoon was based on toys from the '60's. So we're now on our third leg of recycling what is essentially a nicknaming toy.
Less than a week away. I'm screwed.
It's the same day that "GI Joe: Rise of Cobra" opens in theaters worldwide.
My life has become a strange cycle of symbolism and memories made sort of new and stomped around.
I watched "GI Joe" the cartoon when I was a kid and now I'm having a child--100% confirming my adulthood--on the same day that the live-action movie version of my childhood cartoon comes out.
Will my child get into GI Joe because of these new movies? Or will he watch the old cartoons? Or new-old cartoons?
Will he appreciate things like this:
Will he seek out the truth to appreciate "Body Massage?" And by truth I mean the original ham-fisted moralizing cartoon?
And I almost forgot to mention that MY "original" childhood cartoon was based on toys from the '60's. So we're now on our third leg of recycling what is essentially a nicknaming toy.
Less than a week away. I'm screwed.
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