I can't tell what's cuter: the kid's solid hair or hearing his tiny voice sing "I shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die."
I'm wrong. Neither of those is the cutest part. The cutest part is that he's singing a song about being stuck in prison for murder on a guitar covered in flower stickers.
Now THAT is inappropriately adorable.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Giving Up Swearing
Many things will obviously change when I become a father, but one of the most difficult changes will be giving up swearing.
It's my release valve. When steam builds up, swearing is the whistling smoke coming out of my mouth. I realize this is a crappy example to set for my kid (in my house, "crap" won't be considered a swear*), so I must choose from one of these three strategies to make my house a "clean" house.
1. Become The Cleavers.
It's not that Ward never got upset. It's that he never let it show. And it trickled down to the boys. The worst you ever heard from them was "Aw, gee." They called their least favorite people "creeps" and when they got really ticked off, they'd say "Aw, gee" again.
On the other hand, this sheltered non-swearing life may have resulted in the boys being idiots. I have to at least let the kid know why he cannot (for social reasons) be named "Beaver."
2. Replacing Swears With TV-Appropriate Words.
A little more creative, since I'd have to come up with the appropriate word on the fly (in the heat of the moment, how am I gonna think to replace "s***" with "spit?"), but it can be done. Editors have gotten incredibly creative with the technique of filling the spoken space of a swear word (like "Mother-BLANK-er") with family-friendly fare. Don't believe me? Have a look...
3. Swearing Like Yosemite Sam
This might work well on two levels. One: I can still scream as loud as I please, while two: the baby can't begin to repeat any of it. With the other solutions, he can distinguish specific phrases, but with the Yosemite Sam method, it's anybody's guess. I'll take my chances that a two-year-old won't master "Ragglefrassabaggi-traggle" to anyone's offense.
*I once said, "Aw, crap" in high school history and the teacher came over to quietly and sincerely discipline me for "swearing." I take a weird bit of Schadenfreudic pride in the fact that this same teacher was later caught and disciplined himself for having an affair with a student.
It's my release valve. When steam builds up, swearing is the whistling smoke coming out of my mouth. I realize this is a crappy example to set for my kid (in my house, "crap" won't be considered a swear*), so I must choose from one of these three strategies to make my house a "clean" house.
1. Become The Cleavers.
It's not that Ward never got upset. It's that he never let it show. And it trickled down to the boys. The worst you ever heard from them was "Aw, gee." They called their least favorite people "creeps" and when they got really ticked off, they'd say "Aw, gee" again.
On the other hand, this sheltered non-swearing life may have resulted in the boys being idiots. I have to at least let the kid know why he cannot (for social reasons) be named "Beaver."
2. Replacing Swears With TV-Appropriate Words.
A little more creative, since I'd have to come up with the appropriate word on the fly (in the heat of the moment, how am I gonna think to replace "s***" with "spit?"), but it can be done. Editors have gotten incredibly creative with the technique of filling the spoken space of a swear word (like "Mother-BLANK-er") with family-friendly fare. Don't believe me? Have a look...
3. Swearing Like Yosemite Sam
This might work well on two levels. One: I can still scream as loud as I please, while two: the baby can't begin to repeat any of it. With the other solutions, he can distinguish specific phrases, but with the Yosemite Sam method, it's anybody's guess. I'll take my chances that a two-year-old won't master "Ragglefrassabaggi-traggle" to anyone's offense.
*I once said, "Aw, crap" in high school history and the teacher came over to quietly and sincerely discipline me for "swearing." I take a weird bit of Schadenfreudic pride in the fact that this same teacher was later caught and disciplined himself for having an affair with a student.
Friday, July 24, 2009
Non-Breeder Translations
When your pregnancy is coming down to the wire, you being to realize how many inane questions you've heard over the course of 8.5 months. And how many times you've heard them. Today's translated phrase I've heard a more times than I care to think about is...
"So... Are you excited?"
The smart-ass answer is, "Nope. First kids are dull, right? No reason to expect anything to alter this day-to-day living."
I've never been asked if I'm excited by a current parent. Those guys are veterans. They've been through it already, and now we share a bond which reaches beyond empty words.
The people who ask if we're excited are childless loners and/or people hurting for conversation. They (correctly) realize the baby is never far from my mind, so they know asking about anything in the neighborhood of parenting will get a conversation going. But what they might not consciously realizes is that they're freaked out, too. They can't believe this friend -- so like them in many ways -- who was childless for his entire life will now be weighed down with the gruesome task of responsibility.
And they also realize IT COULD HAVE BEEN THEM! Inside they could be as freaked out as this kid at the car wash...
Keeping it together yet terrified. Then they turn to the bottle.
So that's it. Stop asking me. Of course I'm excited, but that's not why you're asking. You're asking me for survivor tips and I have none.
"So... Are you excited?"
The smart-ass answer is, "Nope. First kids are dull, right? No reason to expect anything to alter this day-to-day living."
I've never been asked if I'm excited by a current parent. Those guys are veterans. They've been through it already, and now we share a bond which reaches beyond empty words.
The people who ask if we're excited are childless loners and/or people hurting for conversation. They (correctly) realize the baby is never far from my mind, so they know asking about anything in the neighborhood of parenting will get a conversation going. But what they might not consciously realizes is that they're freaked out, too. They can't believe this friend -- so like them in many ways -- who was childless for his entire life will now be weighed down with the gruesome task of responsibility.
And they also realize IT COULD HAVE BEEN THEM! Inside they could be as freaked out as this kid at the car wash...
Keeping it together yet terrified. Then they turn to the bottle.
So that's it. Stop asking me. Of course I'm excited, but that's not why you're asking. You're asking me for survivor tips and I have none.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
5 Underated Parenting Techniques For Dads
1. Ignoring Your Child. Experts and experts in magazines will tell you that the best way to raise a child into a great adult is to give them plenty of hands-on attention. Balderdash.
According to the movies, the best thing a kid could get from his dad is a handshake at age 15 and then silence for the rest of his life.
That's what happened for Indiana Jones, and look how he turned out.
He turned out great. He might have given birth to Shia LeBeouf, but that can hardly be blamed on Indy's dad.
2. Plural Wives. I'm only 2 seasons into "Big Love," but I've already asked myself a question that any normal person would ask himself when confronted with such delightful polygamy: Wouldn't all the extra wives make up for my many parenting flaws? The answer is, "Most of the time, yes." Sure, Sarah and Benny have problems, but those are normal for any well adjusted teenager. The rest of the time, they're polite, well-adjusted kids.
I mean even though Niki is a pretty crappy mom, at least she can fix anything. She's the B.A. Baraccus of polygamy living. You try to become the Mormon Wal-Mart and go hunting every now and then while your wives hold meetings about how to schedule having sex with you.
3. Being Murdered. Obviously this isn't a perfect plan, but sometimes we must put our children's lives, happiness and careers before our own. That means the ultimate sacrifice: being murdered under traumatic circumstances. Not only will this give your child uncanny focus and drive, but he will most likely avenge you. And that's all we can really hope for.
And no, I'm not just talking about Batman. I'm talking about another well-adjusted, dedicated son: Hamlet.
Note: I'm not sure who put the music on this clip, but I'd love to meet them.
4. Becoming a Dog.
Yeah, it's gonna be rough. But how else are we going to show our kids that we love them more than our career as Tim Allen?
5. Being A Pro-Wrestler And Whoring Out The Family For Reality TV.
One of these times it's gotta work, right?
According to the movies, the best thing a kid could get from his dad is a handshake at age 15 and then silence for the rest of his life.
That's what happened for Indiana Jones, and look how he turned out.
He turned out great. He might have given birth to Shia LeBeouf, but that can hardly be blamed on Indy's dad.
2. Plural Wives. I'm only 2 seasons into "Big Love," but I've already asked myself a question that any normal person would ask himself when confronted with such delightful polygamy: Wouldn't all the extra wives make up for my many parenting flaws? The answer is, "Most of the time, yes." Sure, Sarah and Benny have problems, but those are normal for any well adjusted teenager. The rest of the time, they're polite, well-adjusted kids.
I mean even though Niki is a pretty crappy mom, at least she can fix anything. She's the B.A. Baraccus of polygamy living. You try to become the Mormon Wal-Mart and go hunting every now and then while your wives hold meetings about how to schedule having sex with you.
3. Being Murdered. Obviously this isn't a perfect plan, but sometimes we must put our children's lives, happiness and careers before our own. That means the ultimate sacrifice: being murdered under traumatic circumstances. Not only will this give your child uncanny focus and drive, but he will most likely avenge you. And that's all we can really hope for.
And no, I'm not just talking about Batman. I'm talking about another well-adjusted, dedicated son: Hamlet.
Note: I'm not sure who put the music on this clip, but I'd love to meet them.
4. Becoming a Dog.
Yeah, it's gonna be rough. But how else are we going to show our kids that we love them more than our career as Tim Allen?
5. Being A Pro-Wrestler And Whoring Out The Family For Reality TV.
One of these times it's gotta work, right?
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Baby Drawer
Many new parents-to-be ask themselves, "How soon can I put my baby in a drawer and pass him through a wall?" The answer according to the Kaisers of the 1950s is... "The Future!"
Friday, July 17, 2009
Introductions, Please
My wife has just been deemed "at full term," meaning she could give birth at any moment and the baby would not be premature.
That means the baby's ready. That does not mean I am ready.
It hasn't been my goal or dream to become a dad, but my goals and dreams have surprisingly little to do with anything going on at this point. What started out as a surprised look at a stick has turned into multiple registries, three showers, several living-arrangement-re-arrangements, tens of books and lots and lots of parenting classes. I had many things to be scared of, but until I started reading and going to classes did I learn that there are some things that exist that you didn't even know were possible, but you should be terrified of them anyway. In baby land, what you don't know not only can hurt you, it will make damn sure it does hurt you and make you look like a horrible person to other judgey parents.
I can't be the only ill-informed person out there, so in an interest of saving the world, I dedicate these words. For it is with our minds and our thoughts that we will conquer the great unknown and ensure our safety from every possible danger. Until we learn of a new danger that exists now and we realize we're screwed.
This is the first lesson of impending parenthood: you should be scared of everything. At any moment, a plastic milk bottle with the wrong rubber nipple could grab a knife and kill your baby as soon as look at you. Fortunately, the Businesses of the World have formed impressively named companies that fill a new parent's heart with "confidence" (aka "slightly less terror"). Some of these were named well. Some not so well.
Here is a list of the not-so-well's...
1. Similac Baby Formula.
The bread and butter of corporate synergy is cramming two half-words into a new glob of nonsense. "Simi" from the English "Similar," implies this formula is almost the same as the alternative (and "almost" is always good enough for your baby). Then there's "Lac," short for "Lactation," another way of saying "Boob Milk." Sure it sounds like evil A.I. software hellbent on destroying Earth and only the Justice League can stop it, but it's not really that creepy: it's just a corporate manufactured food stuff that your baby can get addicted to. Plus an adorable bear with dead eyes.
2. Seventh Generation Baby Wipes.
Going green is great, but someone needs to help this company out and put an apostrophe-s between the Company Name ("Seventh Generation") and their actual product, because... and it could just be me... it's sounds like these wipes have wiped away poop from six babies prior to your own. I'm no scientist, but I know what's gross.
3. UPPAbaby G-Lite and G-Luxe Umbrella Strollers.
This raises the fear that having words like "Uppa" and "G-Luxe" in close proximity to your child will turn him into a douche bag. Besides, when have you ever used the phrase "Uppa Baby" in a good way? (More like, "Hey! That spoiled food will mess uppababy," and "Are you nuts? Don't shove that pencil uppababy!")
4. RazBaby.
Seriously? You kidding me? It's thiiiiiis close to being "Razr Baby," and I don't have to tell you that razors and babies rarely mix... right? Plus these guys make pacifiers. RazPacifiers. Nasty.
5. Hypnobabies.com
Again, another means-well service (they help facilitate drug-free delivery through the power--i.e. magic--of hypnosis), but shouldn't it be called "HypnoDELIVERY?" "Hypnobabies" sounds like what you're thinking: an army of toddlers who become killing machines through the power of suggestion when they hear the world "Marinade." Either that, or the babies are hypnotists, as the logo above would suggest. "Wah... Wah... Sleep, Mummy... Sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeep... forevah." (Note: Hypnobabies have British accents)
That means the baby's ready. That does not mean I am ready.
It hasn't been my goal or dream to become a dad, but my goals and dreams have surprisingly little to do with anything going on at this point. What started out as a surprised look at a stick has turned into multiple registries, three showers, several living-arrangement-re-arrangements, tens of books and lots and lots of parenting classes. I had many things to be scared of, but until I started reading and going to classes did I learn that there are some things that exist that you didn't even know were possible, but you should be terrified of them anyway. In baby land, what you don't know not only can hurt you, it will make damn sure it does hurt you and make you look like a horrible person to other judgey parents.
I can't be the only ill-informed person out there, so in an interest of saving the world, I dedicate these words. For it is with our minds and our thoughts that we will conquer the great unknown and ensure our safety from every possible danger. Until we learn of a new danger that exists now and we realize we're screwed.
This is the first lesson of impending parenthood: you should be scared of everything. At any moment, a plastic milk bottle with the wrong rubber nipple could grab a knife and kill your baby as soon as look at you. Fortunately, the Businesses of the World have formed impressively named companies that fill a new parent's heart with "confidence" (aka "slightly less terror"). Some of these were named well. Some not so well.
Here is a list of the not-so-well's...
1. Similac Baby Formula.
The bread and butter of corporate synergy is cramming two half-words into a new glob of nonsense. "Simi" from the English "Similar," implies this formula is almost the same as the alternative (and "almost" is always good enough for your baby). Then there's "Lac," short for "Lactation," another way of saying "Boob Milk." Sure it sounds like evil A.I. software hellbent on destroying Earth and only the Justice League can stop it, but it's not really that creepy: it's just a corporate manufactured food stuff that your baby can get addicted to. Plus an adorable bear with dead eyes.
2. Seventh Generation Baby Wipes.
Going green is great, but someone needs to help this company out and put an apostrophe-s between the Company Name ("Seventh Generation") and their actual product, because... and it could just be me... it's sounds like these wipes have wiped away poop from six babies prior to your own. I'm no scientist, but I know what's gross.
3. UPPAbaby G-Lite and G-Luxe Umbrella Strollers.
This raises the fear that having words like "Uppa" and "G-Luxe" in close proximity to your child will turn him into a douche bag. Besides, when have you ever used the phrase "Uppa Baby" in a good way? (More like, "Hey! That spoiled food will mess uppababy," and "Are you nuts? Don't shove that pencil uppababy!")
4. RazBaby.
Seriously? You kidding me? It's thiiiiiis close to being "Razr Baby," and I don't have to tell you that razors and babies rarely mix... right? Plus these guys make pacifiers. RazPacifiers. Nasty.
5. Hypnobabies.com
Again, another means-well service (they help facilitate drug-free delivery through the power--i.e. magic--of hypnosis), but shouldn't it be called "HypnoDELIVERY?" "Hypnobabies" sounds like what you're thinking: an army of toddlers who become killing machines through the power of suggestion when they hear the world "Marinade." Either that, or the babies are hypnotists, as the logo above would suggest. "Wah... Wah... Sleep, Mummy... Sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeep... forevah." (Note: Hypnobabies have British accents)
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