That means the baby's ready. That does not mean I am ready.
It hasn't been my goal or dream to become a dad, but my goals and dreams have surprisingly little to do with anything going on at this point. What started out as a surprised look at a stick has turned into multiple registries, three showers, several living-arrangement-re-arrangements, tens of books and lots and lots of parenting classes. I had many things to be scared of, but until I started reading and going to classes did I learn that there are some things that exist that you didn't even know were possible, but you should be terrified of them anyway. In baby land, what you don't know not only can hurt you, it will make damn sure it does hurt you and make you look like a horrible person to other judgey parents.
I can't be the only ill-informed person out there, so in an interest of saving the world, I dedicate these words. For it is with our minds and our thoughts that we will conquer the great unknown and ensure our safety from every possible danger. Until we learn of a new danger that exists now and we realize we're screwed.
This is the first lesson of impending parenthood: you should be scared of everything. At any moment, a plastic milk bottle with the wrong rubber nipple could grab a knife and kill your baby as soon as look at you. Fortunately, the Businesses of the World have formed impressively named companies that fill a new parent's heart with "confidence" (aka "slightly less terror"). Some of these were named well. Some not so well.
Here is a list of the not-so-well's...
1. Similac Baby Formula.
The bread and butter of corporate synergy is cramming two half-words into a new glob of nonsense. "Simi" from the English "Similar," implies this formula is almost the same as the alternative (and "almost" is always good enough for your baby). Then there's "Lac," short for "Lactation," another way of saying "Boob Milk." Sure it sounds like evil A.I. software hellbent on destroying Earth and only the Justice League can stop it, but it's not really that creepy: it's just a corporate manufactured food stuff that your baby can get addicted to. Plus an adorable bear with dead eyes.
2. Seventh Generation Baby Wipes.
Going green is great, but someone needs to help this company out and put an apostrophe-s between the Company Name ("Seventh Generation") and their actual product, because... and it could just be me... it's sounds like these wipes have wiped away poop from six babies prior to your own. I'm no scientist, but I know what's gross.
3. UPPAbaby G-Lite and G-Luxe Umbrella Strollers.
This raises the fear that having words like "Uppa" and "G-Luxe" in close proximity to your child will turn him into a douche bag. Besides, when have you ever used the phrase "Uppa Baby" in a good way? (More like, "Hey! That spoiled food will mess uppababy," and "Are you nuts? Don't shove that pencil uppababy!")
4. RazBaby.
Seriously? You kidding me? It's thiiiiiis close to being "Razr Baby," and I don't have to tell you that razors and babies rarely mix... right? Plus these guys make pacifiers. RazPacifiers. Nasty.
5. Hypnobabies.com
Again, another means-well service (they help facilitate drug-free delivery through the power--i.e. magic--of hypnosis), but shouldn't it be called "HypnoDELIVERY?" "Hypnobabies" sounds like what you're thinking: an army of toddlers who become killing machines through the power of suggestion when they hear the world "Marinade." Either that, or the babies are hypnotists, as the logo above would suggest. "Wah... Wah... Sleep, Mummy... Sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeep... forevah." (Note: Hypnobabies have British accents)
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