5 Underated Parenting Techniques For Dads

1. Ignoring Your Child. Experts and experts in magazines will tell you that the best way to raise a child into a great adult is to give them plenty of hands-on attention. Balderdash.

According to the movies, the best thing a kid could get from his dad is a handshake at age 15 and then silence for the rest of his life.

That's what happened for Indiana Jones, and look how he turned out.


He turned out great. He might have given birth to Shia LeBeouf, but that can hardly be blamed on Indy's dad.

2. Plural Wives. I'm only 2 seasons into "Big Love," but I've already asked myself a question that any normal person would ask himself when confronted with such delightful polygamy: Wouldn't all the extra wives make up for my many parenting flaws? The answer is, "Most of the time, yes." Sure, Sarah and Benny have problems, but those are normal for any well adjusted teenager. The rest of the time, they're polite, well-adjusted kids.

I mean even though Niki is a pretty crappy mom, at least she can fix anything. She's the B.A. Baraccus of polygamy living. You try to become the Mormon Wal-Mart and go hunting every now and then while your wives hold meetings about how to schedule having sex with you.


3. Being Murdered. Obviously this isn't a perfect plan, but sometimes we must put our children's lives, happiness and careers before our own. That means the ultimate sacrifice: being murdered under traumatic circumstances. Not only will this give your child uncanny focus and drive, but he will most likely avenge you. And that's all we can really hope for.

And no, I'm not just talking about Batman. I'm talking about another well-adjusted, dedicated son: Hamlet.

Note: I'm not sure who put the music on this clip, but I'd love to meet them.

4. Becoming a Dog.
Yeah, it's gonna be rough. But how else are we going to show our kids that we love them more than our career as Tim Allen?


5. Being A Pro-Wrestler And Whoring Out The Family For Reality TV.
One of these times it's gotta work, right?