Giving Up Swearing

Many things will obviously change when I become a father, but one of the most difficult changes will be giving up swearing.

It's my release valve. When steam builds up, swearing is the whistling smoke coming out of my mouth. I realize this is a crappy example to set for my kid (in my house, "crap" won't be considered a swear*), so I must choose from one of these three strategies to make my house a "clean" house.

1. Become The Cleavers.
It's not that Ward never got upset. It's that he never let it show. And it trickled down to the boys. The worst you ever heard from them was "Aw, gee." They called their least favorite people "creeps" and when they got really ticked off, they'd say "Aw, gee" again.

On the other hand, this sheltered non-swearing life may have resulted in the boys being idiots. I have to at least let the kid know why he cannot (for social reasons) be named "Beaver."


2. Replacing Swears With TV-Appropriate Words.
A little more creative, since I'd have to come up with the appropriate word on the fly (in the heat of the moment, how am I gonna think to replace "s***" with "spit?"), but it can be done. Editors have gotten incredibly creative with the technique of filling the spoken space of a swear word (like "Mother-BLANK-er") with family-friendly fare. Don't believe me? Have a look...


3. Swearing Like Yosemite Sam
This might work well on two levels. One: I can still scream as loud as I please, while two: the baby can't begin to repeat any of it. With the other solutions, he can distinguish specific phrases, but with the Yosemite Sam method, it's anybody's guess. I'll take my chances that a two-year-old won't master "Ragglefrassabaggi-traggle" to anyone's offense.



*I once said, "Aw, crap" in high school history and the teacher came over to quietly and sincerely discipline me for "swearing." I take a weird bit of Schadenfreudic pride in the fact that this same teacher was later caught and disciplined himself for having an affair with a student.