Viewing Strategy: Somewhat Henry Related

A few things have come to mind recently, and they both concern and don't concern our baby boy.

There has been considerable outcry among my family and family-friends that I don't write enough about Henry and don't post enough pictures about Henry. Without getting too psychologically deep into it, I think the reason for the lack of Henry-based blogging from me is that a.) after spending the entire day with him on my mind every second, I enjoy the chance to talk or type about nearly anything else, and b.) there's not a lot to tell. He recently got some severe diaper rash so we have to monitor his butt very closely which has earned me the nickname "Captain Butthole." Hey, (some of) you asked for it.

So here's a new one that will meld these two worlds together in a way kind of I guess maybe I don't know for sure probably.

I remember when Rachel was about 5 months pregnant when I couldn't sleep, and was tired of writing down potential names, so I went to our movie collection and just started rummaging through. I wondered when the best time would be to show him the things that we loved. "Best time" as in "he'll enjoy it the most at this age" and "he'll actually understand it enough to like it at this age." I made a short list of some of the "Must See's" and then took a stab at when I would introduce them (this is gonna make for a lot of weird birthday traditions). Movies like "Rear Window" can show up in the late teens I think, because I'd want him to be old enough to not just pass on it based on the limited cinematic flair. By 2017, everything will be 3-D anyway, so stuff like this requires maturity by the viewer to not be deemed simply "quaint."

Naturally this led me to my introduction of "Star Wars" in the boy's life, and it's a topic I've grappled with for a long while, going back before we even talked about having children. The question isn't "When?" in this case (around age five, I guess, or younger), but "How?" When I was younger, this decision seemed pretty straight forward. There were only three movies and that's that. Now there are a total of six and the newer ones bring in questionable content. I'm afraid of exposing my baby to the prequel trilogy.

If I keep the prequels from him, and he ends up liking the Original Trilogy, then surely somewhere down the road he will discover the prequels and resent my hiding them from him. If I show him the prequels, then a.) will he like the whole series as a result? and b.) how should the movies be presented.

Dumbass Lucas thinks the series should be shown 1-6, which is why he's a dumbass. And since I can't be the only parent grappling with this difficult issue of "HOW TO PRESENT THE 'STAR WARS' SAGA TO MY CHILD," I offer the following solution.

THE PERFECT ORDER:

STEP 1.) Start with "Star Wars," the 1977 cut if possible. It makes the most sense to start here since it's one of the best of the series, and it plays like an introduction. You can't start off a 12-hour-long movie series with "Phantom Menace" and then get to Episode IV to hear a lecture about what the Force is and who's who. "Star Wars" was written as an introduction, so let it be just that.

STEP 2.) Follow with "The Empire Strikes Back." This makes sense because you're getting to the heart of the real story of the entire series at this stage. By sticking with the Episode IV to Episode V strategy, you also preserve some reveals and surprises. If you did the whole 1-6 chart like Lucas recommends, then wouldn't kids be confused by "Empire?" "Daddy, why doesn't Luke know that's Yoda?" Also, the big shock of learning that Darth Vader is Luke's father isn't ruined by not only 6 previous hours of prequel movie, but 6 BADLY ACTED hours of prequel movie.

STEP 3.) Play the trailers for "The Phantom Menace" and "Attack of the Clones" instead of the full movies. Play all of the trailers if you want. You get all the stuff you'd want from that movie and none of the mess. You even get some Darth Maul action -- and 50% of his dialog! The reasoning behind this route is that now that we've got all our cards on the table about who's who (except for Leia), we're ready for what can essentially be a flashback. After the kid reels from learning that Darth Vader is Luke's dad, he'll be more interested in that character. And since you'll probably want to show him as little of Teen-Anakin in "Clones" as possible, this is the best solution. If you or your child insists on watching the full movie, that's your load to bare, and you'd still watch them in this slot. I for one am going to try my best to exercise tough love.

STEP 4.) Play the "Clone Wars" Cartoon Network DVD's. I still can't believe how in the first minute of the first episode of this series of 3-minute cartoons, Genndy Tartakovsky and his team managed to give "Star Wars" fans more of what they wanted than 4 hours of prior prequel action. The first scene is all essentials: Yoda, Anakin, Obi-Wan and Palpatine. The shorts are also super fun and action packed. The downside may be that it results in rising interest in such prequel characters as Kit Fisto and Mace Windu, but you can probably just distract your child with something shiny rather than subject him to the disappointing knowledge that there's nothing more to tell. I'd even argue that by jumping right into the action-packed-ness of this series might add a layer of mystery to the back story that the prequels managed to thoroughly stamp out.

Another alternative is to let the boy play the first couple legs of "Lego Star Wars," a game so well made that it almost fools you into believing that Count Dooku and Jango Fett are interesting, necessary characters.

STEP 5.) Play "Revenge of the Sith." The "best" of the prequels manages to squeak in a full play in our running order if only because it contains (in Lucas' words) 80% of the prequel story.*This helps. You don't have to suffer through meandering adventures in robot factories or long detours on boring planets (can there be a more boring planet than Naboo? It's just Italy. Italy on Earth is awesome. Italy as an entire planet though?... guh). You just get right to it, sort of like the prior cartoons. You're still not spoiling any of the story either, unless you count the Leia-is-Luke's twin thing, and in that case the reveal of that name (cried out in dying childbirth, no less) might serve as enough of a "Wow!" moment to distract your child from the fact that Padme is dying "from a broken heart." But the best part about playing "Sith" now is that it doesn't wreck our final chapter...

STEP 6.) Play "Return of the Jedi." I said the original "Star Wars" was built as an intro, and this one was built as a finale. And it works great coming out of our brief prequel interlude. We just saw Yoda at his strongest, and now at his weakest. We saw the Emperor doing all kinds of nasty, but Luke doesn't know just how powerful that nasty is. What's most important is that we end spending time with characters we actually like and don't want to punch in the nuts. It also ends on a positive note with the Empire being defeated and Luke sort of saving his father, but our new viewer has now spent just enough time with Anakin that he can like him, but not so much time with him that he thinks that you can slaughter a tribe of Sand People and still get Natalie Portman to love you.

*If "ROT Sith" is 80% of the prequel story, then I think that means 15% is for "Phantom Menace," leaving 5% for "Attack of the Clones," which explains why "Clones" is practically worthless.

Gross

"Sexy" R2-D2.

I'm just glad they didn't run with the whole "appendages" thing.

Nolan vs. Spielberg with Lucas' Help

Please click on the picture to credit the true artist of this insanity.

John Williams -- The True Enemy

On a recent trip to the grocery store, the "Raiders March" (or "Indiana Jones Theme" to those out of the know) arose from the depths of my iPod to put spring in my step. This was nearly ten months after the debacle that was "Crystal Skull," yet with that wound still fresh in my mind, the "Raiders March's" mighty powers prevailed, bringing me back to my childhood, allowing me to forget and forgive the sins of the recent Indiana Jones installment. But I shouldn’t have forgotten or forgave so easily. That movie was crap, and yet I was actually considering re-watching it simply because of the music. Then everything became clear and I was sickened by my discovery. The blame for some of the crappiest movie sequels and sins against our childhood memories lies less with George Lucas. It should lie entirely on film composer John Williams.

Enlivened, I threw my produce and frozen pizza bites down on the ground and made a quick mental list of the major musical keys Williams had contributed to my life, and I found three scores from film franchises which fit the description of "The first couple movies were great; the last ones... less so." All this time I had been writing my angry letters to Lucasfilm in vain. It was not their fault. They just wanted more John Williams music. They fell victim to the siren song of John Williams Chopin-esque cues.

Look at the facts: three of the most recognizable and exciting film themes of the last 30 years were for the "Star Wars," "Indiana Jones" and "Superman" movies. All three got their theme songs from Williams. And all three went on to squander any good will the original films established on a mixed bag of fart jokes, pseudo science and baffling continuity choices. In all honesty, who could blame a guy like Steven Spielberg for making a new Indiana Jones movie for the same reason I went to go see it: to hear that theme song with a really good sound system.

The key piece of evidence in our case against Williams comes from "Superman Returns." It's seemingly the oddball of the three, since it's the only one with no real connection to George Lucas. But the theory of the Williams Siren Theme solves the mystery that's plagued us since the 2006 release of Bryan Singer's Superman film. Instead of doing a full series re-boot--which was being so deftly employed by the Batman and Bond series--Singer insisted that his film be considered part of the same continuity as the Christopher Reeves movies--movies 20+ years old that hardly anyone would care to remember. The only possible reason to go to all this trouble in qualifying "Superman Returns" as "Part of that continuity, taking place after 'Superman II,' and supplanting 'III' and 'IV' installments" is to use the John Williams theme song. That's it.



Like all great conspiracies, the truth hid in front of us in broad daylight. The old Williams themes have been used in all the trailers for "Phantom Menace," "Kingdom of the Crystal Skull" and "Superman Returns," and we all bought in.

Here is the teaser for "Phantom Menace," where you get snippets of (in order, I think) the theme when Obi-Wan first appears, the main titles, Luke's theme when he's wistfully thinking about joining the rebellion, then three from "Empire": the "Turn it around!" moment in the Falcon, the Force-throw-shit-around part of the Vader-Luke battle, and the end of the credits ...all masking upcoming lameness.



The Power of Editing.

We, the Williams Generation, are powerless to his music's call. We bow down at the slightest flute trill and will pay any amount for the slightest chance to hear something vaguely resembling the "Imperial March." I say NO MORE. End this reign of tyranny. Free us from your decibel hold and let us never suffer another filmed excuse to play your music ever again.

Relative, and Not

A couple quick things:

1.) A review I wrote has been published on WILDsound.com. Though I wouldn't recommend going to that exact address, rather THIS one for the general sight. My review for last week's "30 Rock" can be found here. As I will be covering the series, please keep eyes peeled.

2.) More relative to this page, this movie exists:



I'm interested, but a little apprehensive. As a friend and fellow complainer about "Star Wars" has said, enough is enough already. We're all disappointed in George Lucas, but do we really need a whole movie about it?

Apparently.

Le Star Wars

Qui, you read correctly. I can write in French.

Or I at least write it as well as the people in charge of the following gem understand English. Or movies. Or electricity.

I've worked for three-plus years as a transcription writer for television, and our duties are basically to write down everything said or shown in English so that it can be translated into another language (the foreign markets are so important these days). I don't know who 20th Century Fox used to transcribe the movie, the trailer or even the gist of "STAR WARS," but I'm positive it didn't come close to this.

And even if the story got mangled, it took a visionary -- a man or woman of tremendous ability -- to mangle it all in their head. To make a video like this takes true artistry. Blind, clueless, living-in-your-own-world artistry.

I think the meeting went like this:

EXT. PARIS - CAFE - DAY

Smoke is everywhere as a NERVOUS EXEC meets with a DANCE CHOREOGRAPHER.

NE: "We would like you to direct a music video."

DC: "I've heard of those. I'll do it. Direct on the stage?"

NE: "No, with cameras for television."

DC: "Perfect. What is everything you just said?"

NE: "It's a video for that disco version of the theme from 'Star Wars.'"

DC: "I love it. What is 'Star Wars?'"

NE: "It's this movie. Kind of sci-fi fantasy with lots of --"

DC: "Oh, yes. I have seen the poster. I know just what to do."

NE: "You do?"

DC: "Sure. So the gold robots fight the black face man, they can both fly and dance, they dance with each other and then land on the city, yes? I got it, I got it..."

NE: (wipes his brow)

DC: "Ah! Our crepes are here."

And just for good measure, the Dancing Vaders (aka "The Darth Vader Dancers," aka "Lords of the Sith-Dance") have Batman capes, giving this post a score of 18 out of 30 on the Blog Relevance Meter.

Lucas On "The Daily Show."

OK, now he's just lying to us.

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
George Lucas
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Health Care Crisis

While I can appreciate the nod to "I had no idea it would get this big," and the gentle good humor he has toward "These are just movies," I still don't think I buy that young kids loving the prequels deems them as good movies. By the logic diplayed here, won't those same kids eventually grow up to hate the prequels (or the "Clone Wars" TV show that some generation seems to love...?), therefore proving the popular belief that the prequel trilogy is crappier than the original trilogy?

The answer is yes.

Oh, and he wrote a book, that looks like it's really long and text-booky. But I've also heard that some of the younger librarians claim it's their favorite. Much better than anything written by Pauline Kael.

Child Abuse

As the parent who dresses our baby, I take full responsibility for my actions.

As you can see, he's thrilled with this decision.

It's not great parenting, I know. I mean... a faded logo shirt with dark sleeves and cords?

What's next? A hipster fedora?

New Years

In the dawn of a new year, at the beginning of a new decade, it is reassuring that "Star Wars" parodies will not only remain but thrive... forever.

Consumer-priced editing software and the invention of Mash-Ups are to thank for this one and even though I'm not 100% with the equating of Chewbacca to an African-American person, who else would play B.A.? ..

New Old News... or Old New Old News?

Re: the title -- this isn't brand new information, but it's new to me.

But it's new to me about old information about something

new that's also not new. Screw it.

If the guys at RiffTrax provide nothing else, then they allow me to

"enjoy" crappy movies more. I mean, I kind of have to watch the

prequels, but that doesn't make things any easier.

Fortunately, they blast them pretty hard. It's wonderful.

I still can't bring myself to endorse this treatment for the original

trilogy: I need SOMETHING worthwhile to have come from the

last 30 years.

So... Why THESE Topics?

When I'm hanging out at the traditional late-night blog mixers, I often get asked by the more traditional writers, "Mr. Mohtaz, why did you chose to focus your typings on those three seemingly unrelated topics?"

"First off, it's pronounced 'Mah-tuz,' like 'Not-as,' but with an 'M' instead of an 'N.'"

"Forgive me."

"Don't worry about it," I assure them. "It happens all the time."

"Oh, good," they sigh, and start filling their mouth with complementary shrimp as I explain that my reasoning for this blog fixation is like that of every other internet business: because there was almost a need for it.

These are three immensely popular topics, all of which have been more universally, more appropriately and more thoroughly covered by a multitude of better looking websites. But not all at once. And I'm willing to bet that there are probably a few people out there who wish the could read the words of a guy who simultaneously hums the "Batman Returns" chase scene music while imagining he's in a tunic and doing a guitar-riff leg kick. Just like they do.

While these are all independently popular topics, it stands to reason that if I cast a wide enough net, I'm sure to catch something. There must be others like me out there. There just has to be.

Although there's really doesn't have to be. A quick Google Image search of "rolling stones batman star wars" gave me mixed results, and the closest thing I could find to a thesis photo for this blog would be two covers for Rolling Stone magazine.

This one...

...and this one...

("Star Wars" has been on RS a number of times, but none of the others really compared with this one).

I'm pretty sure I don't have any exactly-like-minded friends in my close circle. I know many fans of "Star Wars," and there has been a major up-swing in the Bat-cult lately, but I usually lose people when it comes to the Stones. In an informal pole of my Facebook profile a few months back, I believe I had approximately 3 other friends who list the Stones under their Favorite Music Info (used to be you could just click on your info and get a list of friends who shared this commonality. Not any more. You really know what you're doing, Facebook). This may sound small, but keep in mind... I have about 500 friends. That's not small: that's infantesimal. Either they're all closeted fans, or they don't care that much, or that means that I know 497 other people who don't give a rat's rat about this band, and I kind of believe that. I've tried multiple times to convert/educate people to their gospel, with middling success.

But I'm not in the Trojan horse game with this site. Not at all. I'm in the worlds-coming-together game. I'm in the niche-market game. I'm hoping to discover others like me. Searching for people to do one-stop comiserating when things get rough, as they tend to do and don't seem to have any intention of stopping any time soon I'm staring at you, "Wars" legacy.

So hopefully some Batman fan will enjoy my take on how the old 60's show was an underrated source of great Batman material (more on that to come) and then discover my musical tastes and say to himself (or herself... but let's not kid ourselves), "Holy Giant Lips, Blog-man! I'm a new parent who likes listening to 'Goats Head Soup' when the sun's almost down and I'm driving on the highway with my hand on a lightsaber TV remote , too!" And then the probable-he will be sure to seek me out the next time we're all at the Blogger Mansion. I'll be the guy with his head in the chocolate fountain.

Timely As Always, "Today Show."

Yeesh... almost unwatchable. Almost.

So much awkward standing around. Even Episode II had some dialog between the unnatural pauses.

However, if you think Kathy Lee is an idiot, at least she got her quote correct (I'm looking at you, Hoda). And big ups to Ann Curry for correctly labeling the throne as belonging to the Emperor and NOT to Darth Vader.

5 Movie Characters/Actors You Never Want to Play Your Dad

Nothing against them personally, but if you were a character in a movie and you had these guys playing your father, chances are that your father either doesn't understand you to the point of burying himself in his career or he blames you for the death of one of your siblings.

1. Robert Patrick. The T-1000 has that creepy stare down, and he's never lost it. Nor will he ever lose it. He played "Unforgiving Mr. Cash" in "Walk the Line" because it required the least amount of imagination from the audience ever. "Oh, that dad held a grudge, huh? I'd buy that."

2. Jeremy Piven. Seems like the biggest douche bag walking today, and that's including Guy Ritchie (A-Rod, I'll never forgive you for making me sympathize with this guy. Now I gotta give "Sherlock Holmes" a chance!). Plus he's always leading with his chin, in a kind of "Hit me. Go on, hit me. Y'know you wanna" type of way. If your movie dad does this and you actually take him up on the challenge, you will surely get smacked around.

3. Robin Williams. This dad can't seem to take things seriously. Plus, when your movie mom finally wises up and decides to divorce him, he won't see that as an end either. He'll see that as a chance to win his kids back with accents and wigs. Granted, he's Robin Williams, so he's probably already tried this a million times (Reagan voice, gay hairstylist voice, et al), but this would be the worst timing. On top of all this, he seems to make a career out of movies where he plays a dumb dad. Coincidence?
You'll also never get a word in edgewise. Ever. EV-ER.


4. Any Dad in a Hitchcock Movie. Lord, watch over the children of Hitchcock movies. He even put the characters his own daughter played through the ringer. If you're a Hitchcock Movie Dad, then you're one of the following: a) dead. b) murdered and dead. c) neutered/impotent and obsessed with murder (according to my college film teacher). or d) about to be dead by murder. None of these are good qualities in a father. Evidence: "Shadow of a Doubt." Joseph Cotton rolls into town and could woo this guy's woman--even though it's his own sister!--while the dad wusses around and chatters like a ninny to his buddy named Herb. It's sad and embarrassing. (around 6:50).


5. A Stormtrooper. You could do worse than Anakin Skywalker. At least he cares about stuff, and comes home most days. He takes care of business. Even though he kiiiiiiiinda tries to kill his own son, at least he was also thinking about the future and his kid's career. But if a Stormtrooper ever had a kid, that kid would change his name. Watch this video (around 5:00) for the worst of the bunch. That could've been your dad! The guy who couldn't shoot the largest character in the galaxy with a golden torso strapped to his back.