John Williams -- The True Enemy

On a recent trip to the grocery store, the "Raiders March" (or "Indiana Jones Theme" to those out of the know) arose from the depths of my iPod to put spring in my step. This was nearly ten months after the debacle that was "Crystal Skull," yet with that wound still fresh in my mind, the "Raiders March's" mighty powers prevailed, bringing me back to my childhood, allowing me to forget and forgive the sins of the recent Indiana Jones installment. But I shouldn’t have forgotten or forgave so easily. That movie was crap, and yet I was actually considering re-watching it simply because of the music. Then everything became clear and I was sickened by my discovery. The blame for some of the crappiest movie sequels and sins against our childhood memories lies less with George Lucas. It should lie entirely on film composer John Williams.

Enlivened, I threw my produce and frozen pizza bites down on the ground and made a quick mental list of the major musical keys Williams had contributed to my life, and I found three scores from film franchises which fit the description of "The first couple movies were great; the last ones... less so." All this time I had been writing my angry letters to Lucasfilm in vain. It was not their fault. They just wanted more John Williams music. They fell victim to the siren song of John Williams Chopin-esque cues.

Look at the facts: three of the most recognizable and exciting film themes of the last 30 years were for the "Star Wars," "Indiana Jones" and "Superman" movies. All three got their theme songs from Williams. And all three went on to squander any good will the original films established on a mixed bag of fart jokes, pseudo science and baffling continuity choices. In all honesty, who could blame a guy like Steven Spielberg for making a new Indiana Jones movie for the same reason I went to go see it: to hear that theme song with a really good sound system.

The key piece of evidence in our case against Williams comes from "Superman Returns." It's seemingly the oddball of the three, since it's the only one with no real connection to George Lucas. But the theory of the Williams Siren Theme solves the mystery that's plagued us since the 2006 release of Bryan Singer's Superman film. Instead of doing a full series re-boot--which was being so deftly employed by the Batman and Bond series--Singer insisted that his film be considered part of the same continuity as the Christopher Reeves movies--movies 20+ years old that hardly anyone would care to remember. The only possible reason to go to all this trouble in qualifying "Superman Returns" as "Part of that continuity, taking place after 'Superman II,' and supplanting 'III' and 'IV' installments" is to use the John Williams theme song. That's it.



Like all great conspiracies, the truth hid in front of us in broad daylight. The old Williams themes have been used in all the trailers for "Phantom Menace," "Kingdom of the Crystal Skull" and "Superman Returns," and we all bought in.

Here is the teaser for "Phantom Menace," where you get snippets of (in order, I think) the theme when Obi-Wan first appears, the main titles, Luke's theme when he's wistfully thinking about joining the rebellion, then three from "Empire": the "Turn it around!" moment in the Falcon, the Force-throw-shit-around part of the Vader-Luke battle, and the end of the credits ...all masking upcoming lameness.



The Power of Editing.

We, the Williams Generation, are powerless to his music's call. We bow down at the slightest flute trill and will pay any amount for the slightest chance to hear something vaguely resembling the "Imperial March." I say NO MORE. End this reign of tyranny. Free us from your decibel hold and let us never suffer another filmed excuse to play your music ever again.

5 Underated Parenting Techniques For Dads

1. Ignoring Your Child. Experts and experts in magazines will tell you that the best way to raise a child into a great adult is to give them plenty of hands-on attention. Balderdash.

According to the movies, the best thing a kid could get from his dad is a handshake at age 15 and then silence for the rest of his life.

That's what happened for Indiana Jones, and look how he turned out.


He turned out great. He might have given birth to Shia LeBeouf, but that can hardly be blamed on Indy's dad.

2. Plural Wives. I'm only 2 seasons into "Big Love," but I've already asked myself a question that any normal person would ask himself when confronted with such delightful polygamy: Wouldn't all the extra wives make up for my many parenting flaws? The answer is, "Most of the time, yes." Sure, Sarah and Benny have problems, but those are normal for any well adjusted teenager. The rest of the time, they're polite, well-adjusted kids.

I mean even though Niki is a pretty crappy mom, at least she can fix anything. She's the B.A. Baraccus of polygamy living. You try to become the Mormon Wal-Mart and go hunting every now and then while your wives hold meetings about how to schedule having sex with you.


3. Being Murdered. Obviously this isn't a perfect plan, but sometimes we must put our children's lives, happiness and careers before our own. That means the ultimate sacrifice: being murdered under traumatic circumstances. Not only will this give your child uncanny focus and drive, but he will most likely avenge you. And that's all we can really hope for.

And no, I'm not just talking about Batman. I'm talking about another well-adjusted, dedicated son: Hamlet.

Note: I'm not sure who put the music on this clip, but I'd love to meet them.

4. Becoming a Dog.
Yeah, it's gonna be rough. But how else are we going to show our kids that we love them more than our career as Tim Allen?


5. Being A Pro-Wrestler And Whoring Out The Family For Reality TV.
One of these times it's gotta work, right?