Reroute To Newness

I've decided to throw money down the toilet and buy myself a dedicated website. Seems professional.

So I'm not going to be contributing to this address any more. You can follow me and all my Henry/Batman/Star Wars/Rolling Stones rambling at Phillip Mottaz Town, the address to which is very creative: phillipmottaz.com.

I hope you're not all Blogspot loyalists.

Viewing Strategy: Somewhat Henry Related

A few things have come to mind recently, and they both concern and don't concern our baby boy.

There has been considerable outcry among my family and family-friends that I don't write enough about Henry and don't post enough pictures about Henry. Without getting too psychologically deep into it, I think the reason for the lack of Henry-based blogging from me is that a.) after spending the entire day with him on my mind every second, I enjoy the chance to talk or type about nearly anything else, and b.) there's not a lot to tell. He recently got some severe diaper rash so we have to monitor his butt very closely which has earned me the nickname "Captain Butthole." Hey, (some of) you asked for it.

So here's a new one that will meld these two worlds together in a way kind of I guess maybe I don't know for sure probably.

I remember when Rachel was about 5 months pregnant when I couldn't sleep, and was tired of writing down potential names, so I went to our movie collection and just started rummaging through. I wondered when the best time would be to show him the things that we loved. "Best time" as in "he'll enjoy it the most at this age" and "he'll actually understand it enough to like it at this age." I made a short list of some of the "Must See's" and then took a stab at when I would introduce them (this is gonna make for a lot of weird birthday traditions). Movies like "Rear Window" can show up in the late teens I think, because I'd want him to be old enough to not just pass on it based on the limited cinematic flair. By 2017, everything will be 3-D anyway, so stuff like this requires maturity by the viewer to not be deemed simply "quaint."

Naturally this led me to my introduction of "Star Wars" in the boy's life, and it's a topic I've grappled with for a long while, going back before we even talked about having children. The question isn't "When?" in this case (around age five, I guess, or younger), but "How?" When I was younger, this decision seemed pretty straight forward. There were only three movies and that's that. Now there are a total of six and the newer ones bring in questionable content. I'm afraid of exposing my baby to the prequel trilogy.

If I keep the prequels from him, and he ends up liking the Original Trilogy, then surely somewhere down the road he will discover the prequels and resent my hiding them from him. If I show him the prequels, then a.) will he like the whole series as a result? and b.) how should the movies be presented.

Dumbass Lucas thinks the series should be shown 1-6, which is why he's a dumbass. And since I can't be the only parent grappling with this difficult issue of "HOW TO PRESENT THE 'STAR WARS' SAGA TO MY CHILD," I offer the following solution.

THE PERFECT ORDER:

STEP 1.) Start with "Star Wars," the 1977 cut if possible. It makes the most sense to start here since it's one of the best of the series, and it plays like an introduction. You can't start off a 12-hour-long movie series with "Phantom Menace" and then get to Episode IV to hear a lecture about what the Force is and who's who. "Star Wars" was written as an introduction, so let it be just that.

STEP 2.) Follow with "The Empire Strikes Back." This makes sense because you're getting to the heart of the real story of the entire series at this stage. By sticking with the Episode IV to Episode V strategy, you also preserve some reveals and surprises. If you did the whole 1-6 chart like Lucas recommends, then wouldn't kids be confused by "Empire?" "Daddy, why doesn't Luke know that's Yoda?" Also, the big shock of learning that Darth Vader is Luke's father isn't ruined by not only 6 previous hours of prequel movie, but 6 BADLY ACTED hours of prequel movie.

STEP 3.) Play the trailers for "The Phantom Menace" and "Attack of the Clones" instead of the full movies. Play all of the trailers if you want. You get all the stuff you'd want from that movie and none of the mess. You even get some Darth Maul action -- and 50% of his dialog! The reasoning behind this route is that now that we've got all our cards on the table about who's who (except for Leia), we're ready for what can essentially be a flashback. After the kid reels from learning that Darth Vader is Luke's dad, he'll be more interested in that character. And since you'll probably want to show him as little of Teen-Anakin in "Clones" as possible, this is the best solution. If you or your child insists on watching the full movie, that's your load to bare, and you'd still watch them in this slot. I for one am going to try my best to exercise tough love.

STEP 4.) Play the "Clone Wars" Cartoon Network DVD's. I still can't believe how in the first minute of the first episode of this series of 3-minute cartoons, Genndy Tartakovsky and his team managed to give "Star Wars" fans more of what they wanted than 4 hours of prior prequel action. The first scene is all essentials: Yoda, Anakin, Obi-Wan and Palpatine. The shorts are also super fun and action packed. The downside may be that it results in rising interest in such prequel characters as Kit Fisto and Mace Windu, but you can probably just distract your child with something shiny rather than subject him to the disappointing knowledge that there's nothing more to tell. I'd even argue that by jumping right into the action-packed-ness of this series might add a layer of mystery to the back story that the prequels managed to thoroughly stamp out.

Another alternative is to let the boy play the first couple legs of "Lego Star Wars," a game so well made that it almost fools you into believing that Count Dooku and Jango Fett are interesting, necessary characters.

STEP 5.) Play "Revenge of the Sith." The "best" of the prequels manages to squeak in a full play in our running order if only because it contains (in Lucas' words) 80% of the prequel story.*This helps. You don't have to suffer through meandering adventures in robot factories or long detours on boring planets (can there be a more boring planet than Naboo? It's just Italy. Italy on Earth is awesome. Italy as an entire planet though?... guh). You just get right to it, sort of like the prior cartoons. You're still not spoiling any of the story either, unless you count the Leia-is-Luke's twin thing, and in that case the reveal of that name (cried out in dying childbirth, no less) might serve as enough of a "Wow!" moment to distract your child from the fact that Padme is dying "from a broken heart." But the best part about playing "Sith" now is that it doesn't wreck our final chapter...

STEP 6.) Play "Return of the Jedi." I said the original "Star Wars" was built as an intro, and this one was built as a finale. And it works great coming out of our brief prequel interlude. We just saw Yoda at his strongest, and now at his weakest. We saw the Emperor doing all kinds of nasty, but Luke doesn't know just how powerful that nasty is. What's most important is that we end spending time with characters we actually like and don't want to punch in the nuts. It also ends on a positive note with the Empire being defeated and Luke sort of saving his father, but our new viewer has now spent just enough time with Anakin that he can like him, but not so much time with him that he thinks that you can slaughter a tribe of Sand People and still get Natalie Portman to love you.

*If "ROT Sith" is 80% of the prequel story, then I think that means 15% is for "Phantom Menace," leaving 5% for "Attack of the Clones," which explains why "Clones" is practically worthless.

Gross

"Sexy" R2-D2.

I'm just glad they didn't run with the whole "appendages" thing.

I Can't Keep Jimmy Fallon's Balls Out of My Mouth

I know, right? It's the grossest, most foul thing I've ever written, but it's true. On the USSRockNRoll.com site, I recently defended the comedic cute boy's career, and I'm now dedicating my own personal blog space to the man again. I didn't go looking for it, it came looking for me.

I'm even breaking my own sorta-rule about being a news spot, but I'm too interested in yet another Rolling Stones sell-their-old-stuff-again event.



Quick sidebar: I had always understood that the Stones themselves (at least Jagger) was never that excited about "Exile." I remember the interview he gave to "Rolling Stone" magazine where they went through every album up to that point ("Voodoo Lounge" I think), and he kind of blah-blah'd "Exile" saying it didn't have as many of those big, great, classic ROLLING STONES songs like, say, "Sticky Fingers" did, or "Let It Bleed." Maybe it's a percentage thing. You'd think that "Tumbling Dice" would count as one of those big songs, but maybe its impact would seem larger if it had been one of 9 or 10 instead of one of 18. It's also possible that this was a crappy time in Jagger's life and he doesn't enjoy being told his most miserable recording experience was the best period.

Anyway, the week-long event promises to be filled with many things that I like: nostalgia, cover songs and potential comedy.

So you keep doing good stuff, Jimmy Fallon, and I'll have your back. And balls. Gross.

Nearly A Month Away

I've been busy, traveling, sick and busy for a while and haven't found a way to contribute to this page as much as I'd like to. I do have some weird random thoughts that have come to my mind over the last few over-the-counter-drug-addled days...

1.) The Hollywood Stones (the Rolling Stones tribute band) was formerly known as "Sticky Fingers," in one of those grand cover-band traditions of paying tribute by just mentioning a title from the thing you're covering. But they changed their name, and I'm assuming this was due to legal pressures from the real Stones or their record label... which would be ironic since the Stones themselves got their band name from the title of a Muddy Waters song. I'm not saying I'm right, but if I am, that seems wrong.

2.) I've been plodding through the RedLetterMedia.com reviews of "Phantom Menace" and "Attack of the Clones," and both made me laugh a lot. I can't say I understand everything going on in the reviews (there are "character" moments where we learn the reviewer is a psychopath who may or may not have murdered his wife and now has kidnapped a hooker in his basement), but the criticisms of the movies and the prequel trilogy in general have been pretty spot on. I've thought about interviewing him for the USSRockNRoll.com site, but I'm afraid he'd wanna do it in character, and I'm not up for that. I mostly want to congratulate him on doing something so many people have wanted to do for so long.

3.) And contrary to that, the worst thing to happen to the "Star Wars" world was not the prequels, it was the Holiday Special, which I finally saw a couple months ago. "Saw" as in "tolerated a few minutes at a time and then jumped ahead to the next horrible pile of steaming garbage they collected." It's interminable.

Nolan vs. Spielberg with Lucas' Help

Please click on the picture to credit the true artist of this insanity.

John Williams -- The True Enemy

On a recent trip to the grocery store, the "Raiders March" (or "Indiana Jones Theme" to those out of the know) arose from the depths of my iPod to put spring in my step. This was nearly ten months after the debacle that was "Crystal Skull," yet with that wound still fresh in my mind, the "Raiders March's" mighty powers prevailed, bringing me back to my childhood, allowing me to forget and forgive the sins of the recent Indiana Jones installment. But I shouldn’t have forgotten or forgave so easily. That movie was crap, and yet I was actually considering re-watching it simply because of the music. Then everything became clear and I was sickened by my discovery. The blame for some of the crappiest movie sequels and sins against our childhood memories lies less with George Lucas. It should lie entirely on film composer John Williams.

Enlivened, I threw my produce and frozen pizza bites down on the ground and made a quick mental list of the major musical keys Williams had contributed to my life, and I found three scores from film franchises which fit the description of "The first couple movies were great; the last ones... less so." All this time I had been writing my angry letters to Lucasfilm in vain. It was not their fault. They just wanted more John Williams music. They fell victim to the siren song of John Williams Chopin-esque cues.

Look at the facts: three of the most recognizable and exciting film themes of the last 30 years were for the "Star Wars," "Indiana Jones" and "Superman" movies. All three got their theme songs from Williams. And all three went on to squander any good will the original films established on a mixed bag of fart jokes, pseudo science and baffling continuity choices. In all honesty, who could blame a guy like Steven Spielberg for making a new Indiana Jones movie for the same reason I went to go see it: to hear that theme song with a really good sound system.

The key piece of evidence in our case against Williams comes from "Superman Returns." It's seemingly the oddball of the three, since it's the only one with no real connection to George Lucas. But the theory of the Williams Siren Theme solves the mystery that's plagued us since the 2006 release of Bryan Singer's Superman film. Instead of doing a full series re-boot--which was being so deftly employed by the Batman and Bond series--Singer insisted that his film be considered part of the same continuity as the Christopher Reeves movies--movies 20+ years old that hardly anyone would care to remember. The only possible reason to go to all this trouble in qualifying "Superman Returns" as "Part of that continuity, taking place after 'Superman II,' and supplanting 'III' and 'IV' installments" is to use the John Williams theme song. That's it.



Like all great conspiracies, the truth hid in front of us in broad daylight. The old Williams themes have been used in all the trailers for "Phantom Menace," "Kingdom of the Crystal Skull" and "Superman Returns," and we all bought in.

Here is the teaser for "Phantom Menace," where you get snippets of (in order, I think) the theme when Obi-Wan first appears, the main titles, Luke's theme when he's wistfully thinking about joining the rebellion, then three from "Empire": the "Turn it around!" moment in the Falcon, the Force-throw-shit-around part of the Vader-Luke battle, and the end of the credits ...all masking upcoming lameness.



The Power of Editing.

We, the Williams Generation, are powerless to his music's call. We bow down at the slightest flute trill and will pay any amount for the slightest chance to hear something vaguely resembling the "Imperial March." I say NO MORE. End this reign of tyranny. Free us from your decibel hold and let us never suffer another filmed excuse to play your music ever again.